Mr. Darcy, Complete Bore

I think I've read my first and last modern adaptation of a Jane Austen work, Mr. Darcy, Vampyre. I picked it up for the most shallow reasons possible:  I love Pride and Prejudice and I love vampires. As I have seen with Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters and Android Karenina some mashups of old concepts with modern twists are not meant to happen.

austenprose.com

 I have so many complaints about this audio book, but this biggest one being that, it's boring. I found it very charming as Grange wrote a simplistic double wedding for Lizzie and Jane to Darcy and Bingley, respectively. In fact, I could picture in my head the sunlight streaming through the church windows, and I thought to myself, "Why isn't Darcy bursting into flames?". Once the wedding is over Elizabeth and company go on their wedding tour which takes them all over Europe visiting Darcy's VAMPIRE socialite friends, including a famous count who lives alone in a large castle, has villagers storm said castle occasionally, and cannot cast a reflection. I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE?!

From here there are long arduous paragraphs about traveling, what the Darcys ate and how lonely Elizabeth feels because Darcy won't take her to bed and make her his wife. There is absolutely zero tension apart from an odd middle section where Darcy defeats an evil vampire of unknown origin whose mission is to BED EVERY
VAMPIRE BRIDE EVER MADE. Of course this would not do for Darcy so he comes to Elizabeth's rescue. Might I add that this "evil" vampire had made only two appearances before the final confrontation and did not pose a threat in any way that Darcy did not dispatch with a quick cane slap to the canines. BAD evil vampire! Naughty, wicked, bad villain!

The story concludes with a convenient quick and easy way for Darcy to dispatch himself of the vampire curse (SPOILERS:::: ****** true love and water******), for him to defeat the evil vampire dark lord, dispatch all the haughty socialite friends who disapprove of Elizabeth, bed his wife and return to England for more grand adventures filled with LOOOOOOOVE! Grange doesn't even add anything new to the vampire mythology except for the fact that love can defeat a vampire by giving him third degree burns to the face, vampirism can be cured, and vampire covens each have a unique thing that can harm them (crosses, garlic, sunlight) but never more than one. Nothing original is put into this adaptation, as I had hoped for.

Granted I did find the idea of Mr. Darcy as a seductive, brooding, Snape-ish if you will, vampire attractive. But...nothing happens in the novel! They go on tedious trips with tedious descriptions and meet tedious vampires and will probably go on to have boring children.

Verdict: Do not pick up. It's boring. Snooze fest. Stay away.

Try this instead, Vampire Darcy's Desire. I have no wish to repeat my experience with Amanda Grange but now I feel like I have to pick up this book out of morbid curiosity to see how well, or how badly they treat the vampire trope.

http://www.amazon.com/Vampire-Darcys-Desire-Prejudice-Adaptation/dp/1569757313

"Tormented by a 200-year-old curse and his fate as a half-human/half-vampire dhampir, Mr. Darcy vows to live forever alone rather than inflict the horrors of life as a vampire on an innocent wife. But when he comes to Netherfield Park, he meets the captivating Elizabeth Bennet. As a man, Darcy yearns for Elizabeth, but as a vampire, he is also driven to possess her. Uncontrollably drawn to each other, they are forced to confront a "pride and prejudice" never before imagined--while wrestling with the seductive power of forbidden love. Meanwhile, dark forces are at work all around them. Most ominous is the threat from George Wickham, the purveyor of the curse, a demon who vows to destroy each generation of Darcys."